15 minute brain vomit

candy words.

so good. sweet.

comfortable.

teeth rot as they pass by.

to and from my sugar coated brain.

layers and layers deep from the years.

decades of addiction.

want. crave. need. more.

sugar.

more sweetness. more lies.

they cover me. coat me.

in syrup.

and cushion my tongue with bubblegum.

try to find me.

you can't.

you wont.

you might.

if i let you.

if i can find me.

if i floss and scrape

dig and break

back the buildup.

the facade.

the shield.

gaze into my chocolate eyes.

and feel my rainbow-sherbet-blood beneath my

artificial-cherry-flavored-skin.

i need a toothbrush.

and some listerine.

Woah

I wanted to delete everything that I have written before in this blog. I like it though so I'll leave it. I'm just going to start using this as more of a "diary" instead.

I want to start fresh. Write this a new way. It may help me to write more if I don't see it as a chore or an assignment. Something that I HAVE to do. Even if it's only ME telling me that I have to do it.

I have a problem with rebelling against rules, it gets in the way a lot.

I fight with my alarm clock if we don't have the same opinion on when I should get out of bed. I always win. By winning, I lose. I miss out on my whole day. My alarm clock was just trying to do me a favor. It just wanted to alert me that I had a WHOLE NEW DAY to enjoy.

That's pretty special. Not everyone gets a today. A tomorrow.

But I have to be stubborn. I have to ignore it's good intentions-my good intentions for myself. I set it with the hope that I'll hear it go off again, that I'll have at least one more day. One more morning to grumble as I roll out of bed. I should be happy to hear the obnoxious repetitive tone that is my alarm.

But I'm not. I rebel.

Just because I feel like I HAVE to listen. I don't like being told what to do. I wish I could understand this about myself. Maybe I'll attempt to see my alarm clock with a new perspective tomorrow morning.

6. Remind Yourself that When You Die, Your "In Basket" Won't Be Empty

I've been very busy lately and haven't had time to update in a while, but it seems as though this chapter would have been a good lesson for me to touch on for myself! With a new apartment, a new job, finals week for summer classes, starting up a new sport, and volunteering, it's hard to fit other things in.

The problem with me, and many people I'm sure, is that I never seem to run out of things that need to be done! With a full schedule, it's easy to sacrifice time with friends and loved ones for stuff that is "important".

It doesn't take long to pick up a phone and catch up with someone, or sit down for a coffee or lunch. That half hour or so can be a much needed break for both of you from your fast paced lives, and really won't affect your "productivity" in the long run. You may even get more work done and be happier while doing it after the break. Plus it helps to maintain friendships and relationships with people and improves the quality of both of your lives. Research shows that strong friendships may help you live longer! (Click for NY Times article)

The half an hour break doesn't always have to be shared either. Take a while to do something you enjoy. Watch an episode of your favorite show, paint, take a walk, run, play with your pet, or just sit and enjoy a snack and a drink. You'll never get EVERYTHING done, so let yourself live a little. (Don't forget the deadlines that will make your life very uncomfortable if you miss them though!)

This next chapter is something that I think everyone needs some practice on:

7. Don't Interrupt Others or Finish Sentences

5. Develop Your Compassion

com·pas·sion: kəm-ˈpa-shən: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

It is difficult to have compassion for others, but we expect compassion from so many people on a day to day basis. We explain our "situation" or "bad day" to our boss, professor, parent, teammate, roommate, friend, asking them to "please understand". What if no one had compassion for anyone? What if the next time you asked for some understanding, no one gave it to you? If you just lost a loved one, or your job, or your house-what should that matter to anyone else, it's not their problem. Think about that the next time you interact with someone. Whether they are asking for your compassion or they are a stranger you encounter on your way for your morning coffee-give them some sunshine.

There is absolutely no way for you to know what everyone is going through, so try to apply some compassion to everyone you meet. Don't forget the 2 parts, it isn't enough to just put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand where they are coming from. Do something about it. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture-smile at someone (they really are contagious), do the dishes without being asked, help someone out when they are worn out from trying to do something alone. Days can be bad enough without you adding to it, try to spread a little love in the world. Remember the Golden Rule, the rule that is shared by a long list of religions and philosophers, essentially treat others as you would want to be treated.

You never know when YOU'LL be in a mess and need someone to help YOU out.

While being a "Superachiever" and spreading compassion by helping others, it is easy to stretch yourself thin. Sometimes you should...

6. Remind Yourself that When You Die, Your "In Basket" Won't Be Empty.

4. Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking

When deadlines pile up and all seem to fall on the same day, or you know that tomorrow is going to stretch you thin and test your limits, how often do you have a mini panic attack? Do you end up getting a good night's sleep? I know that I lay in bed with my thoughts racing, glancing occasionally at the clock only to watch my hours of sleep disappear before my eyes (which of course stresses me more). This particular chapter is one that I am still trying really hard to follow, but have not quite gotten the hang of yet. It's a tough one.

I usually start with something small, "Don't forget to grab a snack tomorrow, you don't have a long break to eat." Before I know it, I'm worrying about every little detail of the upcoming day. Where I end up is usually somewhere along the lines of, "I will never be able to get it all done, I should just quit now. Why did I let myself get into this situation? I'm not good/smart/___ enough for this. I should just drop out and move home." On my really bad days, I sometimes even let my thoughts dig me into a deeper "pit of despair".

This isn't just a problem for people with depression, everyone can allow their thoughts to take them down this dangerous spiral. Lately I've been getting better and better at catching myself sooner. Reassuring myself that I CAN handle anything that I need to. You can too. It is your job to prove to the world that you ARE good enough. If you don't believe it, then why should anyone else?

The book suggests putting a notepad by your bed. When you remember something, write it down and go to sleep. Stop your worrying right there. For me, I take it a step further. When I know that tomorrow will be exceedingly difficult, or I feel myself start to spiral, I get a piece of paper and write out a list or schedule of my day or week. Looking at it all planned out makes it seem do-able. Having a step by step list to follow (and check off when accomplished) the next day is also wonderful.

I can't think of a clever transition into the next chapter, but it is one of my favorites!

5. Develop Your Compassion

3. Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't Be Superachievers

How do you define your success? For most people it's how many times, how fast, and how much better they did something than the person next to them. If you do something slowly, really take your time and put your best effort forward, then you won't possibly get enough done to get on top right? Wrong - and what on earth are you trying to get on top of anyway? Are you trying to be the most worn out at the end of the day? To do lists always miles long and always running out the door to your next task on your list?

By hurrying to "get the most done" you sacrifice a lot of your potential. When you aren't 20 steps ahead of yourself, it is much easier to focus on where you are and what you're doing right now. You can put your full energy on the task at hand. When it's finished, move on smiling at a job well done instead of worrying about running to the next job while you haven't even started the first.

By rushing around full of stress and worry you are also missing out on the joy of "the moment". You turn every "moment" of your life into a slot on a schedule. Slowly relaxation time becomes a synonym for wasted time. The most important part of your life is that it's YOURS. What's stopping you from setting aside a little time each day to do something you enjoy? Your favorite book is just sitting there, pick it up. The bath tub is moments from being full of bubbles, turn the faucet handle. Even little things like listening to music while doing dishes or lighting a candle while filing taxes can bring some inner peace to the most daunting tasks.

Slow down a little. Give yourself a break. Relax. Try not to over think and over worry. Stress happens, deadlines approach, problems pile up, but you should always...

4. Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking

2. Make Peace With Imperfection

"I've yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace."

That is the first line from this chapter. Think about it, when you're always nitpicking everything you do, how are you ever supposed to be satisfied? While you're sitting there thinking about how much better your new car, new apartment, new computer, new ___, will be-you forget to appreciate all that you have right now. There will always be someone with a cooler toy, more money, better...well anything really...I'm sorry to say that, but there is NO way for anyone to be the best at everything and have the best of everything. It's just not how the world works.

Look at what you do have. Seriously, stop reading and think about all of the great things you have right now. I can even start you off-if you're reading this you have access to (and probably own) a computer with internet. I'll give you a minute to inventory the things that you have that not everyone is lucky enough to have....(Don't forget your body, family, friends, where you live...)

Don't get me wrong-there is absolutely nothing wrong with self improvement, but every now and then try to step back and appreciate how amazing you are-as you are, and how wonderful you really have it-right now.

You can't have perfection all of the time, but that doesn't mean that you can't have and do great things with your life. Also, just because you accept some imperfection, doesn't mean you should get lazy with yourself and not achieve all you are capable of...but that is next time in ...

Chapter 3. Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't Be Superachievers